Grief

Grief doesn't go away ... it changes, yes, but at times it's as raw today as it was forty weeks and five days ago ... If I'm being truly honest, I am broken. Don't get me wrong, I function just fine. And in so many senses, I truly am "ok". I go to work, I clean the house, do the laundry. I even smile and have fun with P. I know that despite it all, I have a good life. But inside, I am broken. On a near daily basis, it feels like my heart is ripped out of my chest, thrown on the ground and stomped on. And every day, I try and pick up the pieces. It is hard. Some days, I am just resigned to the fact that this is my life and I wonder if it ever really happened. Surely I couldn't endure this?! And others, I just hurt. I am constantly transported to the delivery room. I relive that day over and over and over again. I dream about it and wake up sobbing ... I miss Brienna. I ache for her and I want her back in the worst way ...

I found this poem and it made me cry and cry. This is how it feels. How can I call anyone and scream that my daughter is dead? I couldn't do it two days after she died and I certainly can't do it now. P is the only one who knows, so I talk to him. He gets the ebbs and flows, the roller coaster. The ability to be bawling one minute and laughing the next. I alienate myself from everyone else because pretending to be fine is exhausting. Every single relationship I have has changed because I have changed. To the core. This is a lonely road. I'm getting there, but it's hard. They say time heals, and I guess to a certain extent, it does. But it doesn't change the fact that I long for my baby. For the little girl she should be becoming ... time can't heal the fact that I am here and she is not.

A Mother's Grief

You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go

How can I tell you,
what it's been like for me
I am haunted, I am broken
By things that you don't see

You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.

Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.

Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.

Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?

No one will let me
say the words I need to say
Why does a mothers grief
scare everyone away?

I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.

How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?

Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their child's casket,
watched it perched above a grave?

You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.

If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.

Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."

Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.

--Kelly Cummings

I love you Brienna Marie ...

Just Finished

The Brightest Star in the Sky by Marian Keyes. It was really good! I have read her stuff before and loved it, but was skeptical about this one (it involved a spirit) but it was really cute. Fun characters and just a good, easy read.

Am starting Down River by John Hart now. Saw one of his on display on Borders and reserved both at the library.

That's my trick by the way. I go to Borders or Target or wherever and I take pictures of all the books that look good - and yes, I judge a book by its cover. Then, I reserve them at the library - for free! It's a great system :)

Olympic Gold!

At least that's what it feels like anyway :)

I finished the marathon!! I am so happy. I didn't let Brienna down. I'm pretty sure she even called in some favors for us. I struggle with whether or not certain things happen by pure chance or if maybe she had something to do with it. It's weird, but lately I'm just choosing to believe that these certain things are little gifts from my angel.

The weather was supposed to be miserable on Sunday. But by Saturday night, the forecast looked okay. And it was. A little cold, but the sun shone for awhile and the snow/rain/wind didn't really start until I crossed the finish line. Weird. There was so much traffic getting to the race on Sunday morning. We were at our wits end and rolled down the window to ask a parking attendant if she had any advice. As we asked, her walkie-talkie buzzed and she told us there was ONE space available in the lot we happened to be in front of. The lot directly in front of the start/finish line. Crazy weird.

The race itself was hard. I felt slow the entire time, and never really felt like I hit my sweet spot. It was a two-loop course primarily geared to the half marathoners. After mile 13, I was basically running alone. At mile 14, I realized just how solitary running is. And how it's something that only YOU can do. It was a neat feeling. At mile 17, I knew I could finish because I had single digit miles to go. At mile 20, I felt Brienna with me. It sounds insane, but I did. I just sensed her with me and in my head, could picture her on my shoulder helping me along. Like we were buddies ... and I started crying (had to force myself to stop because I feared an asthma attack and this genius didn't have an inhaler) but I also picked up the pace. And the next three miles were a breeze. I felt good and in my head, knew I just needed to get to 23 because P was meeting me there to run the last three. Miles 23-25 were torture. I had to walk a few times and had some uh, stomach issues, but at mile 25 I was able to see the light and just put my head down and ran. And running up that hill, seeing my family cheering me on and crossing that finish line was awesome. And then I started crying. Again. And P met me and scooped me up in a hug and just held me and let me cry.

I still cannot believe I did it. I wish I had taken the time to savor it more ... I did this. Me alone and I am really proud of that. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. So thanks, baby girl. I owe it to you :)

P.S. My time was 4:38:44. About 10 minutes slower than my "goal" but who gives a rat's ass - I finished a marathon!

Nervous Nelly

I am so freaking nervous about this marathon! It's supposed to be rain/snow and 39 on Sunday. I mean, really?! When I left work this morning that was the exact weather outside and it was COLD. I am so afraid of letting Brienna down ... I doubt myself and my ability to finish the race and am so totally in my own head that it's bad.

UPDATE: I went shopping today and bought myself some rain gear. I'm feeling a bit better. I so want to finish this marathon. Gone are my lofty time goals. Crossing that finish line is enough for me. I just want to run a good race and do it for Brienna. I cannot let her down. There is so little I can do for her ... any chance I get to do something, anything for her makes me happy. I miss her :( So much it hurts. I sobbed and sobbed last night. P held me and then I felt better. This just never gets easy. My baby is gone. Did this really happen to me?! It couldn't have, I can't survive something like this! It's horrible, the worst thing that could ever happen. Something like that would ruin my marriage. Yet here I am. Stronger. With a better marriage than I could have hoped. About to run my first marathon ever, (hopefully) fulfilling a life long dream. Thank you Brienna. Because of you, this is all possible. I love you and miss you so much ...

Marathon Mama

I am set to run my first ever marathon next weekend. I can't wait and yet I'm petrified at the same time! Here's how it came to be:

One of the things I missed most while pregnant was running. I had a love/hate relationship with it prior to that point though ... it was something I enjoyed, but I always ended up injuring myself. I ran track in high school (the 100, not long distances!) and ran in college to stay in shape but ended up with ITBS. Despite having surgery to try and correct it, I constantly had problems with it and was sidelined any time I ran over 4 miles. Regardless, I missed it when I was pregnant and started up shortly after Brienna was born and my lady bits could tolerate it - they throbbed for about 3 months and to this day, throb when I have my period and after a long run ... the things they don't tell you about having a baby!

My sister and I decided to train for the Seacoast Half Marathon in Novemeber. I started increasing my mileage sloooowly and found that I was okay. I ordered a Patt Strap for my ITB and whether it was mental or not, it worked! I ran the race injury free and loved every minute of it. We ran in memory of Brienna - had t-shirts made, fans to cheer us on and everything. It was awesome. I knew the minute I finished that I wanted to run another one and maybe even a marathon.


I started pseudo-training for the Hyannis Marathon and fully committed to running it in December, when a friend of ours told P he had signed up too. I totally slacked off on the weekly runs, but faithfully did my long runs every week and surprised myself by being able to do them with relative ease. It's strangely addicting, despite the fact that most of them were on the freaking treadmill. Never again will I run 20 miles on one machine - ugh. But, I did it, even when it felt hard. And I found that I can run faster than I ever thought. I ran the half at a 9:46 pace, beating my goal of a 10:00 min/mile pace. I thought that was as fast as I could get, but started doing my short runs even faster ... just on Wednesday, I did 7 miles in 62:10 - an 8:53 pace!!

I'm hoping to run the marathon at about a 10:00 pace. My true goal is just to finish, but I'm wicked competitive with myself and really want to break 4:30 (about a 10:15 pace) ... my next marathon though, I want to train much smarter and run much faster. I truly owe it all to Brienna. I never thought I could run a marathon. It had always been a goal of mine, but never did I think I could actually do it. (And I haven't yet, but I'm hopeful!) Every time it felt hard, I reminded myself that I held Brienna for more time than I'll be running for. And I would give anything to have that time back, so I can certainly run for less time ... it motivates me every time :)

So, that's why I decided to run a marathon. And now I'm toying with the idea of running 1000 miles. I read the blog of another girl who set out to run 400 miles in 2009, and I decided I wanted to up it. And I couldn't stop thinking of that song, "I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more ..." and decided that I would RUN 500 miles and then RUN 500 more. To do it all in one year is going to be about 2o miles/week which is a stretch. So I'm thinking maybe 500 miles in 2010 and 500 miles in 2011. We'll see. But I really want to try. And I hope I don't let Brienna down!!